It's better to be loved more

I miss James.

He loved me (probably still does) so much it hurt him. He was unafraid to tell me how he'd give up the world for a chance to stand by my side. I miss being loved so much I didn't know which way to run. His warm words masked every exit and he never stopped telling me he'd catch me no matter what.

I miss the constant phone calls -no matter how exhausting they became- because they reminded me: someone out there misses my voice. I miss how we could speak for hours on end and the conversation would never die down. I miss how he'd sit on the other side of the line to listen to be breathe, just to make sure I fell asleep safely. And if ever a nightmare dragged me from my slumber, he would wake immediately at my call and repeat the same pattern of putting me to sleep.

Me and James never personally met, but he thought I was the most beautiful woman who walked the earth and never stopped reminding me. I remember the time he listed my different types of laughs and said my nervous laugh made him miss me most. He said when he heard that laugh he wanted nothing more than to hold me because I was the cutest human he had ever known.

I miss how he planned our future more than I did and started an accountancy course the day I said he couldn't rely on his music. I miss how he got a job in a phone company so he could afford to pay for my train tickets to go and see him. I miss how he'd pick up the phone whilst with friends and tell his boys I was calling so he has to be excused. I miss how even after I insisted he returned to them that his response was always "I miss you so much it hurts, if I don't speak to you now the pain will only get worse".

I miss how when I told him I was in love with someone else he said he was happy if I was happy, but he'd forever wait for me.

I love how he still hasn't given up, how ever so often he will still attempt to phone me and no matter how many times he is ignored, he never gives up on me.

It's the first and only time I have experienced such love. I don't love James, I don't know why, maybe it's because we've never met in person. He's not at all bad looking and he adores me, I guess being loved is foreign to me and I tend to always run the opposite direction.

It's better to be loved more...

I just never take good advice.