I'm so devastated I'm just numb now, making excuses to run back to the hotel by myself and cry until there were no tears. No wifi= no friends. My mum doesn't know, so no one here to speak to. For once in my life, I am completely all alone, trying hard to smile and pretend nothing has happened. I want the safety net of my room, I want my cats, I want my friends....if I even have any left.

I wish you would fight for me, you promised me forever.

I wish you loved me back. You don't, I think it's time to say goodbye...

Lately I feel a bit lost, I've been thinking about the future a lot and I'm not quite sure where you sit in it. I had a dream the other night that I fell for a much older man who had a 15 year old daughter. I was so afraid of her hating me because I wasn't her mother, but I won her over and I fell in love with her, just like she fell in love with me. She became my daughter too and though it was just a dream, I hadn't felt so happy in such a long time. Her father was a sergeant so was often called away for work, giving me and her more time to bond alone. He had a huge modern house with grand open fire places and I didn't have to earn a dime. I thought I wanted nothing more than to have children of my own, little did I know, I would be perfectly happy to just be a mother.

I feel like I won't have any of that with you. You never call me and when I want to call you, you're either high, watching anime or too tired- though you sleep all day and do no work. I get that you're lazy and you can't be bothered to work, but I don't even have love to justify this anymore. You don't love me, it's becoming more apparent to me every day. I'm just too afraid to say it.

I feel like if I want any shot at a better future for myself, I need to walk away. The sad part is, I don't think you'd come after me, stop me or even notice for a while.

It's better to be loved more

I miss James.

He loved me (probably still does) so much it hurt him. He was unafraid to tell me how he'd give up the world for a chance to stand by my side. I miss being loved so much I didn't know which way to run. His warm words masked every exit and he never stopped telling me he'd catch me no matter what.

I miss the constant phone calls -no matter how exhausting they became- because they reminded me: someone out there misses my voice. I miss how we could speak for hours on end and the conversation would never die down. I miss how he'd sit on the other side of the line to listen to be breathe, just to make sure I fell asleep safely. And if ever a nightmare dragged me from my slumber, he would wake immediately at my call and repeat the same pattern of putting me to sleep.

Me and James never personally met, but he thought I was the most beautiful woman who walked the earth and never stopped reminding me. I remember the time he listed my different types of laughs and said my nervous laugh made him miss me most. He said when he heard that laugh he wanted nothing more than to hold me because I was the cutest human he had ever known.

I miss how he planned our future more than I did and started an accountancy course the day I said he couldn't rely on his music. I miss how he got a job in a phone company so he could afford to pay for my train tickets to go and see him. I miss how he'd pick up the phone whilst with friends and tell his boys I was calling so he has to be excused. I miss how even after I insisted he returned to them that his response was always "I miss you so much it hurts, if I don't speak to you now the pain will only get worse".

I miss how when I told him I was in love with someone else he said he was happy if I was happy, but he'd forever wait for me.

I love how he still hasn't given up, how ever so often he will still attempt to phone me and no matter how many times he is ignored, he never gives up on me.

It's the first and only time I have experienced such love. I don't love James, I don't know why, maybe it's because we've never met in person. He's not at all bad looking and he adores me, I guess being loved is foreign to me and I tend to always run the opposite direction.

It's better to be loved more...

I just never take good advice.

Guilty Cravings

I was craving a peach. I don’t know why, I can barely remember what they taste like. As I closed my eyes and thought about the blushing fruit the only taste I could blossom was a plum. We had plums, mum had stacked the fruit basket lately with an array of oranges, plums and bananas…but it was still a peach that I wanted.

I often think back to that moment when I look at you. I wanted cuddles and though Joshua was around, he wasn’t you…I wanted your cuddles: I had not yet had the honour of melting beneath your embrace.